PINOCCHIO Hanks/Zemeckis Reunion "Creepy in the Worst Ways"

[AndyDursin]

Rough year for Tom Hanks (on the heels of his dismal ELVIS reviews) as this one is going straight to Disney+ (as it was originally intended to).

Given Robert Zemeckis' recent output, though -- let's be honest, it's probably heading there for a reason.

[Monterey Jack]

When's the live-action Home On The Range coming out...?

[AndyDursin]

Another turd from Zemeckis. His quality/crap ratio is no longer anywhere close to being equal.

"Baffling ending"
"Creepy in the Worst Ways"?

[Monterey Jack]

3.5/10

Ugggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

As usual with these soulless Disney reharshes, all of the whiz-bang technology in the world cannot disguise the hollowness at their centers. Pinocchio redux is utterly lacking in the charm of the 1940 classic, with syrupy new songs, needless additions (a young girl - her leg in a brace, to court that lucrative disabled audience, of course! - is now a part of Stromboli's travelling act, there for the sole purpose to exposit that Stromboli gets arrested for his crimes so she and her ballerina puppet are now running it. Girl powah...!) and the expected subtractions of politically incorrect elements from the original (the "Bad Kids" in Pleasure Island no longer smoke, and imbibe root beer ). Oh, and Monstro is no longer just a whale, but a Cthulhu beast with tentacles! The effects are obviously expensive, but have no weight to them, making the claims that this new version "brings the classic story to life!" laughable. And the ending is a Lightyear-style "Accept your station in life, kid" downer that utterly flies in the face of the sentiments of wishing upon a star. On the plus side, Jiminy Cricket somehow comes through mostly unscathed, with an excellent voice match for the original provided by Joseph Gordon-Levitt(!!), but it's the only bright spot in a very, very dim experience, rife with gratuitous Disney in-jokes (like the cuckoo clocks in Geppetto's workshop) and references that will date it terribly (like Pinocchio getting dubbed "Chris Pine"). And Tom Hanks, instead of being the charmingly doddery old man from the Disney classic, comes across as thoroughly cloying. No wonder Disney dumped it on D+ without benefit of a theatrical run. This is a huge backslide for Robert Zemeckis, who seemed to be emerging from a decade's worth of mocap frippery with a trilogy of strong, dramatic features for adults in the early 2010s (Flight, The Walk, Allied), but has relapsed with films like this and the awful, embarrassing Welcome To Marwen in recent years. It's a thoroughly miserable experience.

[Eric W.]

Yet another easy skip.

[Monterey Jack]

Someone wake me up when that stop-motion Pinocchio directed by Guillermo Del Toro drops on Netflix in a few months. At least that version looks like it was born out of artistic passion, instead of a studio strip-mining their past for profit.

[mkaroly]

Never saw the original (same with DUMBO); not interested in seeing any of the recent takes on it either.

[Monterey Jack]

The 1940 Pinocchio is one of the greatest artistic achievements ever created by Disney, and one of the pinnacles of the animation art form. It only illustrates how empty this new version is, which only exists as brand extension. Uncle Walt would have DESPISED what the studio bearing his name has devolved into.

[AndyDursin]

That good? Do I need to watch it or is the trailer enough pain?

Zemeckis' "kid movies" are often a misguided mess -- plus now 4 bombs in a row after WELCOME TO MARWEN, ALLIED (which I hated), THE WITCHES and PINOCCHIO. I mean you could argue he's been on a 20-year losing streak (I didn't even like FLIGHT).

[Monterey Jack]

Forgot to mention Pinocchio, on his way to school, stopping to admire a pile of fly-strewn horse droppings, and squatting down to get a good whiff.

Pretty much sums up the whole movie.

[AndyDursin]

Don't worry here comes more s---t to theaters everywhere in 2023 (the comments are hilarious)

[Monterey Jack]

A dozen years ago, fans (rightfully) complained about the "Racebending" in the lousy movie version of The Last Airbender, casting a bunch of white kids in roles that were Asian and Eskimo in the original series. Yet today people accustomed to a white, blue-eyed, red-haired Ariel for the last THIRTY-THREE YEARS aren't allowed to profess their dissatisfaction with casting a black actress because it's "Racist!"



Just like the live-action Aladdin, when this drops. 90% of the tie-in merchandise will continue to feature the animated cast, because that's what sells merch. The "inclusion" fad is rapidly running out of juice, and Disney will have to find a new wrinkle in trying to sell us the same old sh!t in new packaging. I'm amazed that they cast Emma Watson in that lame live-action Beauty & The Beast five years ago. That definitely wouldn't happen today.

[Monterey Jack]

[AndyDursin]

11 more superhero movies!
More remakes!

Theater owners thrilled, they've got that new FANTASTIC FOUR coming in 2.5 years to get excited about!

[Monterey Jack]

Gimme Barbarian any day of the week.