Gangster Squad (2013): 3/10
Wow, forget about being a poor-man's
Untouchables...this doesn't even make it to a poor-man's
Black Dahlia.

At least
Dahlia had Brian De Palma's sinuous camerawork, Vilmos Zsigmond's luminous cinematography and Mark Isham's superb score to distract from the lousy performances and plot convolutions...
Gangster Squad by comparison plays like
Jim Henson's Untouchables Babies, with a gallery of fine actors (Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Sean Penn) making like they're kids playing dress-up in their parents' clothes after watching too many old-timey crime flicks on Turner Classic Movies. It's rife with clichés, badly-acted (Penn's boisterous delivery of the line, "HERE COMES SANTY CLAWS...!" at the action climax gave me the biggest unintentional laugh in a long while

), ludicrously violent, and tainted with awful, smeary digital photography that's nearly as much of an eyesore as Michael Mann's
Public Enemies. Penn smirks and mugs like a reject from
Dick Tracey, Brolin is all one-note brooding, and while Stone provides some stray visual distraction in her yummy period duds, she lacks the sultry fire that powered the great film noir temptresses of the 40's (she's just too damn
nice, not to mention contemporary). And Steve Jablonsky's
BWAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-laden score is the ash icing on this cement cake. While no music could have saved this movie, at least original choice Carter Burwell would have been able to provide a period-appropriate melodic score. What a tremendous disappointment. Ruben Fleischer should stick to silly, 85-minute comedies, because hardcore drama is apparently not his forte.